In order for this exploration to continue, there’s probably some things you should know about me as I think this through, as I believe context is important. Growing up, I was told more than once that I think backwards, write backwards and process backwards. Even as an adult, I admittedly still don’t understand what this means. How do other people think, write and process? Was I doing it wrong the whole time? Is there a wrong way to think, write and process? Am I a serial killer? (No, that’s silly.) Just because I think, write and process differently than other kids doesn’t mean my thoughts, writing and mental hoops are any less valid. I work efficiently because I find the most efficient process to follow. Some see this as a great skill and others like my family are less impressed with how quickly I can bake cookies for example. (Hint: fully pre-heating the oven is important! It’s the first line of direction in recipes for a reason.)
The most efficient process for me in this exploration of gender/identity in relation to the concept of redemption, we must start, not at the beginning, but at the end. (Hint: this is how the best mysteries are also written.) So here’s the end of the story: (You can skip the whole book from this point if you prefer.) Redemption is meant for all people, regardless of gender or gender identity. That means that Love is for all people regardless of gender or gender identity. There you have it. The answer to this book’s quest. Or at least how I expect it to go. I haven't actually done the work yet in all honesty.
Here’s another thing to know about me as I write: I am an unabashed truth-seeker. I want the capital T truth, not each individual’s (including my own) distorted perception of it. If there is love in the world, there is certainly truth. And I want to know what that is. It’s my own personal holy grail. One thing I’ve learned in the year of our Lord 2020, is that truth is perceived and therefore dependent on the person perceiving it. If you prefer to think the plague isn’t real, going about your daily life, maskless and obstinate, then catch the virus and leave this mortal plane, then will you have learned capital T truth? I don’t say this to ruffle socio-political feathers, or to make fun of those who willfully ignore science, but as an honest question. And that brings me to a closely related Truth-seeker fact: I’m a terrible liar. I genuinely want to know the answers to the questions I ask and most of the time, there are no easy answers. It never stops me from asking though. (Geez, when will she learn?)
Thirdly, I am a doubting Thomas, a skeptic through and through. I was also taught early on to question everything, or in the very least, that it’s OK to question and search and struggle. I’ve been fighting this idea of gender and redemption, of actually having courage enough to commit words to paper (digitally) for over 2 years now. It’s time now to get these ideas down and see if we can’t draw some conclusions. I can’t promise it will be pretty or even palatable. So reader, if you choose to spit it out like Gordon Ramsay on Hell’s Kitchen, that’s alright. I am writing this more for me than for you anyway. If you can stand the heat in the kitchen, join me on this little grail-seeking adventure and we’ll run into too many metaphors together.
Caveats: I’m no philosopher. Took a required class in college, but I doubt that’s sufficient to say “I’ve studied philosophy.” One can’t just read books and say they have studied philosophy. (Or can they?) It requires discourse too, don’t you think? Plus, I don’t really see myself as a “deep thinker.” Of course, this may be where you, dear reader stops to ask yourself why you’re reading this at all, from some armchair philosophizer. I am conducting research, interviews, and seeking out discourse with folx smarter than I. (Is it I or me?) Obviously, I could never do this on my own.
Lastly, you should know I was raised in an “evangelical Christian” home. This is of importance as we’ll be taking a look at some biblical examples of redemption, my own struggle with faith and doubt, and how this exploration fits into all of it. I put evangelical christian in quotes as this concept has been warped over the last 30 years and has lots of different meanings to people. For some, it’s a hurtful phrase, for others it connotes only righteous right-wing politics, and others still, comfort and normalcy in the lasting to lasting of Christ Jesus. During my 36 years on earth, the words evangelical christian have meant all these and more during different periods of time. Today, it still feels like a dirty word. I don’t tell my friends I’m Christian. I don’t tell them I put up a nativity at Christmas or that I pray every night. The shame I feel in calling myself a Christian is that I don’t want to hurt my friends who have been traumatized by the capital C church, the evangelical community that professes to love like Christ but loves only themselves. I, too, have been hurt by the capital C church and would not like to partake in something that hurts people who are different, or think differently, or who question the status quo. There are lots of different kinds of faith communities that have ideas about redemption and I’d like to explore these too, but I think it imperative that anyone who reads this understand where I’m coming from as I write this. I’m still figuring it out myself and I don’t see a conclusion anytime soon.
So where are we going now? Is there any story centered on a female character’s redemption? Is the author going to reveal too much of herself in this project?
Find out next time on Lady Parts.